One of the very common ideas about therapy is that it’s always about blaming your parents*. For some folks, this can be an uncomfortable idea, enough maybe to put you off even trying therapy.
A part of you might know deep down, there were some ways your parents really missed the mark, and that’s been painful. You may even suspect it has shaped the way you are today. But also, you don’t want to blame them. Maybe it feels like a betrayal, or that it might ruin the relationship you have. You feel compassion for your parents, and recognise how hard they tried. Or could it be that it feels like your shifting responsibility for your life to others. It might be that the family culture didn’t allow for your voice, and saying anything ‘out of line’ feels like it’s betraying the family.
How did my parents shape who I am now?
So, are parents to blame? First up, I’d ask the question differently. A better, less judgemental question, might be, “how did my parents shape who I am now?”
In my experience, parents and the way they are absolutely do shape us. We form deep beliefs about ourselves, others and the world through the way they were with us, and the examples they set. Getting curious about this doesn’t mean betraying them or badmouthing them. Talking about it, the highlights and the harder parts, gives you a voice, helps you better understand how you work, and can loosen the grip of unhelpful patterns and feelings. For some people, it allows them to have a deeper, more adult relationship with their parents.
How therapy can work
So chances are, when you come to therapy (at least a certain kind of therapy – some types of therapy don’t focus as much on developmental experiences) it may well be helpful to explore early experiences, including what your parents were like. There are a few ways this can be helpful:
- Greater understanding and awareness
Important needs that were not able to be met by your parents when you were young leave wounds that continue to show up. Often, exploring and understanding these mean you can be aware when they get triggered, and slowly, with practice, you may find you have more choice in the way you respond. - Therapy relationship
Once we understand what was missed in childhood, the therapy relationship can be used to give you a different experience. Say you had a parent who wanted to control your actions, the therapy relationship becomes a place where you are supported to make your own choices. As you experience this, you may begin to internalise a figure who is supportive of your choices, making it easier to know and trust yourself. - Grieve and weave
Talking about the past, understanding what you didn’t receive from your parents, and grieving that, can allow you to make more sense of things, find more acceptance, and weave it into your story. You may begin to see your parents more as people, loving and also with their own baggage. This can help you become less reactive, more able to make choices that support your life.
Talking about parents can feel scary, they are all we have when we are small. But becoming more clear-eyed about what went well, and what didn’t go so well, has the potential to free us from the past.
*for the purposes of this article I’ll just refer to parents, but recognise that not everyone was raised by parents, and that ‘early caregiver’ is actually a more accurate term.
If you’re curious about therapy with me, please feel welcome to book a free 15min chat, I’d love to hear from you.
